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Minimalist Definition of a Slip: MAP

November 5, 2010 By View Comments

What is a slip? While I define a slip a little more broadly (or, a little more specific including some recovery behaviors) than this, a slip at minimum is any viewing of pornography, any sexual act outside the confines of marriage (between a man and a woman), and masturbation (see tomorrow’s post). At minimum, it is breaking one’s sobriety.

I really like what Mark Brower over at sexualsanity.com says:

In the work I do with Dr. Mark Laaser at Faithful and True Ministies, we advocate a three-fold definition of sobriety using the acronym MAP: sexual sobriety means abstaining from:

  • Masturbation (sex with oneself)
  • Adultery (sex with anyone other than the spouse)
  • Pornography (intentional viewing of erotic media)

I believe that this forms a great basis or bottom line for sexual sobriety. However, I would like to clarify this definition a little more.

Masturbation

Some people I know advocate having a more loose sobriety definition so that it is more “attainable” and so that someone could gain sobriety and eventually add to this definition as time moves forward. This very SAA approach to sobriety is extremely vague and insecure providing a false sense of pride and progress. For any sex addict, masturbation must be part of the sobriety definition. Because of the nature of masturbation, the secrecy, the shame, and the guilt, without including masturbation in one’s sobriety definition, a fall or relapse is almost inevitable in my opinion (though I am sure that there may be some who allot for masturbation and who have not relapsed in other areas).

Adultery

Once I heard a guy tell me that having sex with other single people was not adultery because neither party was married. He would even admit that adultery was wrong. While this may be true technically, I believe his rationalization (or rational lies) misses the point biblically speaking. And I am sure that Mark Laaser and Mark Brower don’t hold that position as they define Adultery as “sex with anyone other than the spouse.” Simply speaking, Laaser and Brower are technically marrying adultery and fornication, which is perfectly fine with me.

Pornography

To me this is one of the most important parts of the sobriety definition or in defining a slip. Note that Laaser and Brower define this as “intentional viewing of erotic material.” I love the vagueness and the all-inclusivity of this definition. First, they mark the intent of one’s heart as part of the definition, which is so important. If my intent is to find erotic material (whatever that may be), then I am viewing pornography and I am slipping.

Second, it is erotic material, but what is erotic material? Does it include things like Sports Illustrated Swimsuit or catalogs or whatever? I define pornography as “any material (either pictures or words or video or multimedia, etc.) that is sexually explicit [in any way] that is designed in any way (whether primarily or even secondarily or tertiary or even accidentally) to produce sexual arousal [or excitement] in viewers, or any non-sexually explicit material that can be used to produce sexual arousal (but not necessarily at the fault of the creator)” by the viewer (and their intent at viewing the material). So that billboard that I see driving along the highway may be “pornographic” to me but not the next guy. Furthermore, though the billboard is “pornographic” my viewing of it initially is accidental; however, if I view it longer than 3 seconds (suggested by SA’s White Book), then it is pornographic.

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Filed Under: My Pornography Addiction

FAT: Processing a Slip

November 3, 2010 By View Comments

For the last month or so, I have learned more about recovery than I ever have. One of the things that I learned was that I was not processing slips properly. So after a slip, I would immediately call a recovery friend. Once on the phone, we would process my emotions and sometimes my thinking. However, doing one or the other or even both is not enough.

Every slip needs to be processed immediately after it happens, and if someone is serious about their recovery every slip must be processed immediately after it happens (something which I haven’t done every time). While I define a slip a little more broadly (a little more specific including some recovery behaviors) than this, a slip at minimum is an viewing of pornography, any sexual act outside the confines of marraige (between a man and a woman), and masturbation (see tomorrow’s post).

So what does it mean to process a slip? Doing a post-mortem on a slip is of the utmost importance, and the better I know how to do this the better I can process a slip myself (however, it is much more powerful to have another addict walk you through this because they can call out your rationalizations, your minimizing tendencies, your denial, etc.) and the better I can help another struggling sex addict process through their slip. If done properly, it can reveal intentions, thoughts, feelings, and actions. So, one needs to process one’s Feelings, Actions, and Thoughts. But how do we process through these things?

When processing through a slip, you can start with any of the three. Sometimes it is easier to begin with actions while other times it’s easier to begin with thoughts. Typically, for the addict feelings will be the most difficult simply because acting out is often equivalent to numbing out. However, that being the case it makes the question quite obvious: What feeling were you trying to escape?

Let me give an example: the last time I slipped. If I think about the last time I slipped, what was I doing before I slipped? I was sleeping. What was I doing before that? Coming back to my apartment alone. What was I doing before that? I drove home from work.

Once it is obvious that the sequence of questioning rejoins “normal,” then we ask, “What should I have done differently?” Or, “What should I have done?” If I cannot answer that, I should ask, “What red flags do I see?” The obvious red flag is that I was home alone. What you may not know, but my recovering buddy should know, is that Wednesdays are my days for SA Meetings. So I shouldn’t have even come home to the apartment. So what should I have done? Well I could have called someone. I could have gone to SA early and build some relationships with some people who arrive early. I could have done both. So the next time I am tempted to go home to sleep, I now have a plan to execute. So, I have now processed my Actions.

So then it leads to why did I decided to go to my apartment. So why did I? Well I was exhaused and tired. Why? If I look at the circumstances and my actions that led to me being exhausted and tired, I can see that I was talking to my wife on the phone (she and I are geographically separated due to me taking a new job in another city) late into the night (and I can continue down that route if I want or need). Then, are there any other feelings that I may have felt when I acted out? Having thought of no more. I have processed my Feelings (however, I recommend coming back to this at the end).

Now, when I ask myself what I was thinking, something very obvious comes out very quickly. I was thinking, “Since I slipped yesterday, why not right now too?” and “It’s been about 24 hours since the last time, and that’s nothing I can’t regain, so why not?” Simply, I was allowing my sobriety date to determine my sobriety, which is bad sobriety, not true sobriety. Once I reveal my faulty thinking, I then must consider what I must do to combat those thoughts. Being performance driven and pulling my value out of that performance, I must remember who I am and whose I am? I need to do some work reminding myself that I am accepted by God, loved by God, cared for by God, wanted by God, and that my value and significance is found in God, not my performance. Now that I have processed my Thoughts, I revert back to my feelings to really check my feelings.

Once, I reinvestiage, I find that I was feeling sad, scared, shame and guilt. Now that I have uncovered the array of feelings that really was happening, I then can investigate why I was feeling those feelings and what I can do or think or even feel in response.

This creates a comprehensive way to deal with one’s slips. Simply think FAT!

Filed Under: Most Recent Post, My Pornography Addiction

The Two Parts of Recovery: Sobriety/Recovery and Rebuilding Trust

November 2, 2010 By View Comments

So more and more I am realizing that there are two distinct, vital partsof an addict’s recovery or restored life. Up to this point, I believe that in my own recovery I haveintermixed these two essential and equally important parts of recovery.Both of these parts play two separate and distinct roles in one’s recovery, and if people mix them together I believe it will result in disaster as it as for me. These two parts are: (1) Sobriety and Recoveryand (2) Rebuilding Trust.

For the longest time, in my mind thesewere together. I could not tell these apart to save my life. My wife would ask me, “What are you doing to rebuild trust with me?” And I wouldalways say something like, “I am doing x, y, and z.” Or, I would just rattle off my recovery plan to her. (Really, I often said nothing because I believe Iunconsciously understood what I am trying to say here to some degree, so I would simply stonewall in anger and frustration at myself.) However, fact of the matter is that I am doing nothing to rebuild trust with my wife. Yet, I convince myself that “working recovery” was for thepurpose of rebuilding trust with her. So when she would attempt to lay aboundary (which typically was healthy), I would rebel, kick, scream, etc. because I would “feel” that she was “controlling me” or “dictating to me my recovery” when in fact she was only communicating to me what I needed to do to rebuild trust in her, something I wanted and desperatelyneeded to hear and heed, yet couldn’t hear or even see for the longest time (well, until this weekend). However, I confused sobriety/recovery with rebuilding trust, which is an important distinction that needs to be made.

Sobriety and Recovery

These are two wings of the samebird or two sides of the same coin. Theygo hand in hand and cannot and should not be separated. Simply stated, sobriety is what I STOP doing and recovery is what I START doing. Or, sobriety is the NEGATIVE component while recovery is the POSITIVE component. Or, sobriety is what brings me back to ground ZERO and recovery is what takes me “TO INFINITY AND BEYOND.” Both are vital for the recovering sex addict. If I simply stop doing porn and masturbation,what will I start doing? If I don’t start healthy behaviors (or recovery), I will start new unhealthy behaviors (another addiction or other destructive behaviors). While I won’t belabor the point here, thisis quite biblical for those who care. The Bible is full of directives that tell us to STOP one thing and DO another thing. For example, 1 Timothy 6:11 tells us to “flee from these things and and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, perseverance and gentleness.” So we are not to pursue the love of money (and etc.) andto pursuegodliness. 2 Timothy 2:22 states, “Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.” And throughout Paul’s letters (e.g., Eph 4:28-29), he simply doesn’t just command that we stop one thing. He often tells us instead of doing “A” do “Z.” So it is with sobriety and recovery.

Sobriety alone can do nothing. Sobriety alone simply sucks, or as the saying goes, “Sobriety sucks.” It is just what we stop doing. If I have been sober for 7 days then (according to SA) I haven’t had sex with self or someone who is not my spouse (SA defines marriage as between a man and a woman) for 7 days. It is what I haven’t done. It measures my destructive behavior. Recovery, also known as positive living or positive recovery, is more than just sobriety. It is doing what is right. It’s a holistic approach and solution to my problem(s). One can easily have sobriety and not have recovery, butone cannot have recovery without sobriety.

Finally, sobriety and recovery is something I have to decide. It is something that I configure and work through in community. It is MY recovery and sobriety,and no one else’s. This is incredibly important, something that I stillneed to work through myself. I have to own my own recovery. No one elsecan do it for me. No one else can take responsibility for it for me. Noone else can work the plan for me. It is mine, all mine, and mine alone. While I do need community, and community is an essential element in recovery, my community cannot do my recovery for me. At the end of the day, I have to do it; I have to be it.

Rebuilding Trust

Forme, this is something that is necessary for all addicts, but especiallyaddicts with spouses like myself. However, until now, I haven’t given much thought to rebuilding trust, maybe because it was/is so foreign to me. Furthermore, I have an intimacy disorder,so rebuilding trust is a terrifying thing because trust requires intimacy and vulnerability. So not only have I not thought much about it, I probably avoided thinking about this to some degree.

Trustcannot be built in a vacuum. It is not a silo. It is something that requires the involvement of another party, and in this case, the injuredparty, or the spouse. And rebuilding trust will differ from person to person. Unlike sobriety and recovery, I cannot determine what it will take to rebuild trust. I can’t! it is outside my FULL control; however, Ido have influence over this. Furthermore, rebuilding trust isn’t something that can be done by the injured party, my spouse, alone. Rebuilding trust can only be done in cooperation with one another. Rebuilding trust is really determined by two things: (1) the injured party’s COMMUNICATION on what they need to rebuild trust healthily, (2) the addict’s COMMITMENT to fulfill those needs healthily, and(3) both FOLLOWING THROUGH whether positively (addict doing what he/shecommitted) or negatively spouse doing what she said she would do). Simply, my wife must tell me what she needs to rebuild trust. As a co-addict, my wife, the spouse, shouldn’t come to me, the addict, and tell me to do “these things” which can be considered as controlling, manipulating, and dictating recovery. And this is exactly what happened to me. My wife came to me many times scared and asked that I would do X,Y, and Z, and every time I reacted negatively whether that was minimizing, outbursts of anger, making crazy, etc. Instead it needs to be communicated in a healthy manner and received in a healthy manner, which I wasn’t ready for until tonight.

So in relationship, a spouse cannot say to the addict that they should do A, B, or C “for their recovery” because it simply isn’t his/her recovery. It is true that the spouse cannot dictate the terms of the recovery. Instead,they can say, “I need A, B, and C for our relationship to begin to be restored.” Or, they can say, “I need A, B, and C for us to be together.”This puts the focus of the behaviors on a different playing field from the recovery behaviors. I differentiates (1) MY sobriety and recovery, and (2) OUR relationship. While in an ideal world, these two list of behaviors will align themselves, and thus, this conversation can be avoided. However, often in early recovery, they probably don’t. So, oncemy spouse has laid out what she needs for me to continue in relationship with her, it is up to me to determine whether or not I can and want to do those things she listed. (Note: Negotiations (if even allowed) regarding these healthy boundaries should only happen with the help of a third party, preferbly a therapist or psychologist or pastor or counselor. The boundaries should not be presented though until each boundary has been carefully considered and weighed andthe outcome(s)/consequences also meticulously considered.)

Finally, for trust to be rebuilt, sobriety and recovery is a sine qua non; it is a must! For trust to be rebuilt, I have to be “in the black.” I have to be at ground zero. With no sobriety and no recovery in place, then rebuilding trust is impossible simply because I will keep betraying my spouse with slip after slip reopening the wound so it can never heal properly.

Conclusion

So there it is. There are two parts to the addict’s recovery life: (1) The Recovery and (2) The Rebuilding of Trust. These two parts must not be confused with one another as it will surely and inevitably lead to fights, fits of rage/anger, and all sorts of more betrayal and hurt for the spouse, possibly even the addict.

Filed Under: My Pornography Addiction

So Long Self! Farewell Faker! Adios Addict!

September 20, 2010 By View Comments

Previously, I shared someone else’s letter to their addiction. Today, I will share mine.

Dear Self,

Thanks for being my friend, my faithful friend over the many years. Since my pre-teen years, you have given me a way to deal with life coming through for me in a variety of forms from hatred, to anger, to competition, to compulsive masturbation, to lying, to cheating, to stealing, to internet pornography, to fantasy stories, to chat rooms, to replaying sexual memories and images again and again. I cannot lie; you’ve been there for me.

You’ve given me strength to deal with life when I didn’t know how to deal with life’s stresses. You’ve provided a way to cope and give me “hope.” You helped me concentrate, focus, and achieve through school. You’ve helped me avoid feelings and pain taking me down the easy path, the easy way out of things. However, because of these things, I didn’t learn how to live life well. Instead you’ve littered and cluttered my mind with awful images, thoughts, and sexual non-realistic plots. You have destroyed my life, my character, my wife, my family, and me. You have wasted my time, my money, and my potential. You have lied to me about me, about women, and about relationships. You have deceived me with false intimacy pushing me to choose vanity. You have jealously prevented any sort of real relationship destroying my relationship with my wife, my kids, and my God. You blinded me to destroy me.

So the time has come to say, “So long.” It is time for me to move on, grow up, take on new and better challenges. It has been fun and for a while I did enjoy our time together. However, there is no longer any room for you with me. I have found someone else, someone with whom there is truth, life, liberty, and joy in whom there is no shifting shadows or lying tongue. He won’t lie to me to protect me. Instead he will lead me in truth through affliction to mold me into a mature and whole man. I want to pursue endless dreams, know real authenticity and intimacy, and seek God’s will in my entire life. No longer will I believe in the lie of compartmentalization or character procrastination. I want to restore my life, my marriage, and experience true freedom in Jesus Christ. Not only do I want these things for myself, I want them for my family. My wife deserves a healthy me. My kids deserve a healthy me.

So you no longer have any control or power over me. You’re right! I cannot do this alone, but that is why Jesus, who will be with me and in me, will give me the desire and the power to carry out his will and work. There will be no more “last times” or “last hoorays.” There is no turning back, so…so long!

It’s over, and I leave you with this video!

Lyrics for MercyMe’s “So Long Self”:
Well if I come across a little bit distant
It’s just because I am
Things just seem to feel a little bit different
You understand
Believe it or not but life is not apparently
About me anyways
But I have met the One who really is worthy
So let me say

So long, self
Well, it’s been fun, but I have found somebody else
So long, self
There’s just no room for two
So you are gonna have to move
So long, self
Don’t take this wrong but you are wrong for me, farewell
Oh well, goodbye, don’t cry
So long, self

Stop right there because I know what you’re thinking
But no we can’t be friends
And even though I know your heart is breaking
This has to end
And come to think of it the blame for all of this
Simply falls on me
For wanting something more in life than all of this
Can’t you see

Don’t feel so bad (don’t feel so bad)
There’ll be better days (there’ll be better days)
Don’t go away mad (but by all means)
Just go away, go away

PG

Filed Under: My Pornography Addiction Tagged With: ,

Struggle Sleeping

June 22, 2010 By View Comments

It’s been 2 days since I last looked at pornography. I am sitting here….laying down actually…trying not to close my eyes because every time I do I see an inappropriate image. So I open my eyes exhausted and tired yet unable to go to sleep.

So I get up & read. The chapter was great & insightful. It was a page turner & I want to read more but I’m exhausted. So I go back to bed to sleep. And the same thing happens again. And again. Pornographic image after image. Glimpses yet enough to get preoccupied thinking, “I could call someone but who’s going to answer at 2am? No. I could wake my wife up but she’s got the kids all day with an extremely busy day tomorrow plus she didn’t sleep last night because we were in a huge fight and I ended it like the good husband should (sarcasm). No.” So the battle begins. I think, “I could just masturbate and it will all stop and I could easily go to sleep after all men fall asleep after sex.” No. I can’t do that. That’s breaking sobriety too, even with SA (no sex with self). I am keenly aware of my desire to masturbate.

So then I begin trying to force myself what did I learn today. I learned 2 key truths: (1) To become free, I must first realize how bad my pornography addiction was and how bad it is, and (2) Spiritual health and emotional health are inseparable, something I started realizing this past year or two, but was confirmed in this book I’m reading. Yet neither truth helps me and then I recall one book saying that in order to know how bad something is that I need to “think through the drink” as they say in the Big Book for AA. So I began thinking through the masturbation only to think about how much more I wanted it, only to think that the grass is greener on the other side even though I’ve been there numerous times and realize that it’s not. Now having typed this out on my phone, I am exhausted. I’m going to try to go to bed again…

—–

UPDATE: I was able to go to sleep successfully without masturbating or fantasizing or anything. Sober night.

Filed Under: My Pornography Addiction Tagged With: , , ,

My First Sexaholics Anonymous Meeting

April 20, 2010 By View Comments

The other day, I went to my first Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) Meeting. It is a very interesting group, and very private group. Celebrate Recovery, though “Anonymous,” advertises and stands rather proud. It is hard to be a church goer and people not know you go to Celebrate Recovery. Furthermore, usually the shame that is often associated within the church, even churches that support their Celebrate Recovery Ministries, is still great. The only way that I was able to obtain a list of where the groups were located was through my wife who got the list from her therapist. However, come to find out, there are ways to find them online or through the phone. In case you are interested, their contact information is:

Sexaholics Anonymous Logo for People who struggle with Sex/Pornography AddictionSexaholics Anonymous International Central Office
PO Box 3565
Brentwood, TN 37024

E-mail: saico@sa.org
Phone: (615) 370-6062
Toll-free: (866) 424-8777
Fax: (615) 370-0882

However, today was my first meeting, and we went through a lot of readings including their 12 steps, and some other readings. Primarily, we went through their 4th tradition of their 12 traditions, which is basically from Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). The principle of the 4th tradition states:

Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or Sexaholics Anonymous as a whole.

While the meeting was actually more interesting than boring (though the story of the 4th tradition was quite dated and almost irrelevant), they were apologetic for the vast reading through their autonomy tradition. This was appropriate and good for a newcomer (because of one the members said to me sarcastically, “Oh boy, did you choose a grand day to be your first day!”) because it gave them the apportunity to tell me the differences between this “fellowship” (as they called it) and the others that some of them attend, which was good to hear.

Here were some other take-aways from this first meeting:

  1. I have the right to be wrong, and we as a group have the right to be wrong without anyone directing or telling us this. Trial and error is actually a safe method for the group as a whole. One guy (a sponsor) said, “I should/can let others be wrong for it is not my job to show them that they are wrong. There is only one God, and I am not he. There is actually very little among SA members that they can do to really threaten me.” This I thought to be a great perspective because very often we want to control others and control how they do the 4th inventory step or this tool or that tool, and frankly, the mantra of the SA group, however new age, is what worked for you may not work for me.
  2. When 2-3 are gathered, they can called themselves a SA group if they have no other affiliations.
  3. My sexual addiction is both a short-term solution and a long-term solution. Still trying to think through this one…but this being the case, then it requires two different, yet simultaneous approaches.
  4. Live in TODAY, one day at a time, yet recognize TOMORROW is coming. This is something that I found very interesting because typically I can live one day at a time (rather, I should say, one hour at a time); however, I rarely consider tomorrow (or the future both near and far), which is something that I need to do. I need think ahead and look out for sobriety hazards and plan.
  5. One guy said, “When I first started coming, I came to manage my complaint level. However, that has changed now.” What a great statement! That was definitely true of me several years ago when I only dabbled in coming to Celebrate Recovery.

So what was it like being the new guy in a SA group? Now, I’ve been to Celebrate Recovery meetings that have a Purity Group (though due to the size [typically anywhere from 2-8 people all of which are rather inconsistent in their attendance], they sometimes join the A-Z Group or Co-Dependency Group); however, this one was different. I was still nervous and felt out of place. At the start of the meeting, after the readings, we went around the group introducing ourselves (“Hello, I’m Bob…” to which everyone says, “Hey Bob.”), the nature of our addiction (“and I am a sex addict…” or “porn addict…” or “I am addicted to masturbation…” etc), our sobriety date (all of them gave an exact date, not length or time sober, though some said this immediately after their date, e.g., “April 8, 2009; 1 year and x days”), and the things we have done to act out whether that be pornography, masturbation, sex with whomever, orientation, etc. Apparently, that last part changes because they often said after the first two, “What are we doing today?” While every group is autonomous and reflects the general leadership of that specific group, so that last part probably changes from group to group. Then when you are finished introducing yourself, everyone says, “Thank you Bob.”

However, it was good that everyone in the group struggled with some sort of sexual addiction. So they all understand where I am coming from regardless of the depth of the sexual addiction. Yet, since my struggle is only with pornography (not trying to minimize), I felt as though people were thinking that, since I am the new person, I was either lying about the depth of my problem or that I am being petty for only coming for pornography and masturbation. However, I know in my head that I am projecting my thoughts and feelings on to them, and that they were completely welcoming for they encouraged me to come back. However, during the share time, which was only about 15 minutes because we properly spent time honoring a guy who crossed the 1 year threshold, there were many comments directed towards me. They went out of their way to explain the 12 steps and 12 traditions as founded upon Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). So after every reading the facilitator would speak directly to me regarding what they were doing and one or two others would chime in. Every time someone spoke they either said, “I’m Bob and I am a sexaholic” or “I’m Randy and I am a sex addict,” etc. And afterwards, everyone said, “Hi Bob,” or whatever their name was. But this happened every time someone spoke about whatever. Then when they finished, they said, “Pass.” It was kind of funny that even during the general share time, everyone who spoke about their addiction, also said something directly to me about SA and what it has done for them and how I should give it a chance.

The guy who extended the invitation to me said that I should visit about 4-5 times before making a decision as to whether I should continue or not. I think I’ll do that.

Filed Under: My Pornography Addiction, Sexaholics Anonymous Tagged With: , , , ,

What Defines a Sex Addict?

March 16, 2010 By View Comments

No single behavior pattern defines sexual addiction. These behaviors, when they have taken control of addicts’ lives and become unmanageable, include: compulsive masturbation, compulsive heterosexual and homosexual relationships, pornography, prostitution, exhibitionism, voyeurism, indecent phone calls, child molesting, incest, rape and violence. Even the healthiest forms of human sexual expression can turn into self-defeating behaviors. While an actual diagnosis for sexual addiction should be carried out by a mental health professional, the following behavior patterns can indicate the presence of sexual addiction. Individuals who see any of these patterns in their own life, or in the life of someone they care about, should seek professional help.

  1. Acting out: a pattern of out-of-control sexual behavior. Examples may include:
    • Compulsive masturbation
    • Indulging in pornography
    • Having chronic affairs
    • Exhibitionism
    • Dangerous sexual practices
    • Prostitution
    • Anonymous sex
    • Compulsive sexual episodes
    • Voyeurism
  2. Experiencing severe consequences due to sexual behavior, and an inability to stop despite these adverse consequences. In Patrick Carnes’ book, Don’t Call It Love, 1991, some of the losses reported by sex addicts include:
    • Loss of partner or spouse (40%)
    • Severe marital or relationship problems (70%)
    • Loss of career opportunities (27%)
    • Unwanted pregnancies (40%)
    • Abortions (36%)
    • Suicide obsession (72%)
    • Suicide attempts (17%)
    • Exposure to AIDS and venereal disease (68%)
    • Legal risks from nuisance offenses to rape (58%)

    3. sex porn addiction cost consequences chart

  3. Persistent pursuit of self-destructive behavior. Even understanding that the consequences of their actions will be painful or have dire consequences does not stop addicts from acting out. They often seem to have a willfulness about their actions, and an attitude that says, “I’ll deal with the consequences when they come.”
  4. Ongoing desire or effort to limit sexual behavior. Addicts often try to control their behavior by creating external barriers to it. For example, some move to a new neighborhood or city, hoping that a new environment removed from old affairs will help. Some think marriage will keep them from acting out. An exhibitionist may buy a car in which it’s difficult to act out while driving. Others seeking control over their behavior try to immerse themselves in religion, only to find out that, while religious compulsion may soothe their shame, it does not end their acting out. Many go through periods of sexual anorexia during which they allow themselves no sexual expression at all. Such efforts, however, only fuel the addiction.
  5. Sexual obsession and fantasy as a primary coping strategy. Through acting out sexually can temporarily relieve addicts’ anxieties, they still find themselves spending inordinate amounts of time in obsession and fantasy. By fantasizing, the addict can maintain an almost constant level of arousal. Together with obsessing, the two behaviors can create a kind of analgesic “fix.” Just as our bodies generate endorphins, natural anti-depressants, during vigorous exercise, our bodies naturally release peptides when sexually aroused. The molecular construction of these peptides parallels that of opiates like heroin or morphine, but is many times more powerful.
  6. Regularly increasing the amount of sexual experience because the current level of activity is no longer sufficiently satisfying. Sexual addiction is often progressive. While addicts may be able to control themselves for a time, inevitably their addictive behaviors will return and quickly escalate to previous levels and beyond. Some addicts begin adding additional acting out behaviors. Usually addicts will have three or more behaviors which play a key role in their addiction—masturbation, affairs, and anonymous sex, for instance. In addition, 89% of addicts reported regularly “bingeing” to the point of emotional exhaustion. The emotional pain of withdrawal for sexual addicts can parallel the physical pain experienced by those withdrawing from opiate addiction.
  7. Severe mood changes related to sexual activity. Addicts experience intense mood shifts, often due to the despair and shame of having unwanted sex. Sexual addicts are caught in a crushing cycle of shame-driven and shame-creating behavior. While shame drives the sexual addicts’ actions, it also becomes the unwanted consequence of a few moments of euphoric escape into sex.
  8. Inordinate amounts of time spent obtaining sex, being sexual, and recovering from sexual experiences. Two sets of activities organize sexual addicts’ days. One involves obsessing about sex, time devoted to initiating sex, and actually being sexual. The second involves time spent dealing with the consequences of their acting out: lying, covering up, shortages of money, problems with their spouse, trouble at work, neglected children, and so on.
  9. Neglect of important social, occupational, or recreational activities because of sexual behavior. As more and more of addicts’ energy becomes focused on relationships which have sexual potential, other relationships and activities—family, friends, work, talents and values—suffer and atrophy from neglect. Long-term relationships are stormy and often unsuccessful. Because of sexual over-extension and intimacy avoidance, short-term relationships become the norm. Sometimes, however, the desire to preserve an important long-term relationship with spouse or children, for instance, can act as the catalyst for addicts to admit their problem and seek help.

Source: SexHelp.com

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Recovery from Pornography (Porn) Addiction to Sexual Purity through God’s Purifying Grace

March 11, 2010 By

The goal andpornography sex addiction purpose of this blog is to be open and extremely honest about my process of becoming sexually pure from pornography addiction (also sometimes referred to as sex addiction). I personally believe that sexual purity is only possible through the purifying grace of God. So this blog will be a hodgepodge (spelling) of devotions for pornography addicts, mythbusters as I analyze my thought patterns and underlying belief system of pornography addiction, the good bad and ugly thoughts on pornography and porn and/or sex addiction. The goal of this website is to write out what I am thinking and feeling, which is tough for me in the first place, (with the use of Twitter, @purifyinggrace) and to encourage others like me who are struggling, addicted, or just dabbling with online pornography or sexual addiction and wish to break free from or overcome their porn addiction.

No where in this site will there be pornography posted or described in any detail or even hyperlinked to prevent others from stumbling. There will also be comment moderation to ensure that there is no spam posted to this site; no Google ads or anything that could be remotely used by the enemy to spawn someone to stumble into sin. Simply, nothing outside my control will be posted. This is a very conservative Christian perspective on pornography thus it will be anti-pornography though we will consider other viewpoints analyzing them from a biblical perspective and data (that is, the Bible).

My Definition of Pornography

Any material (either pictures or words or video, etc) that is sexually explicit that is designed in any way (whether primarily or even secondary or tertiary, or even accidentally) to produce sexual arousal in viewers, or any non-sexually explicit material that can also be used to produce sexual arousal (but not necessarily at the fault of the creator).

My Sexual Sobriety Definition from Pornography or Sex Addiction

To live a life of self-control and complete honesty and transparency and authenticity and to free from bondage to my addictive behaviors of viewing pornography and masturbation. This means to not look on anything on purpose (or accidentally on purpose) that could be considered pornography and definitely absolutely no masturbation.
pornography sex addiction

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Dearest Addiction, a Letter to My Porn Addiction

February 17, 2010 By View Comments

Here is a letter I found at Healing for the Soul.

Dearest Addiction,

Thanks for being my faithful friend. You have been my companion since childhood from many of my earliest memories. You’ve taken many different forms throughout the years – from hating and judging others, to voyeurism, to compulsive masturbation, to lying, to cheating, from violating others to violating myself, to stealing, to overeating, to starving and throwing up, to obsessions with myself and others, to anonymous dangerous sexual encounters, to hours spent in pursuit of pleasure, to days spent in search of the next image, to replaying conversations and sexual memories, to nights lost partying and drinking, to hours smoking cigarettes I didn’t even want.

You’ve been there to fill the voids in my life. When I couldn’t reach out to others, you’ve been a constant friend. When I felt rejection, real or perceived from others, you’ve always patiently waited for me to return. When I’ve been lonely or hungry, you were there with open arms and lots of food and drink when I needed it, or withholding it from me when you knew I needed control. I’ve spent entire days and weeks with you, safely hidden in the privacy of my mind, room and computer. You’ve helped me avoid the pain of reaching out to others and having to invest or take risks. Dearest addiction, you’ve been my oldest friend. When I was too shy or insecure to make relationships in the real world, you were there, waiting and knocking patiently and insistently in mind.

Dear one, the time has come to say good bye. It is time for me to grow up and take on new challenges with the outside world. You see, our time together has come with a great cost. I’ve lost entire days and weeks of my life. My mind is littered with countless images that, even now, are just a moment away. I feel you knocking and crying out at this moment. But, I’ve found real and true love in Jesus. It is not personal, but you see, I was always made for him because he made me. I belonged to him before I even entered the world. I just didn’t see it! I settled for false intimacy with you for moments of adrenaline rush and safety. You won’t see it, but though you’ve tried to be my friend, you’ve wrapped me in chains that have literally choked my air and my heart.

No more will I be calling on you. I will not run headlong into your arms where you can seduce me once more with your whiles and charms. You see, that is not real living. Feels like it for a time, but it is not. My head is cloudy, my emotions dulled, my senses dimmed and my heart aches under it all. It is time. It’s time for me to step out on my own, hand in hand with Jesus. No more will I spend hours thinking of how I can sneak off to be with you. You will not have control over me any longer. Your love felt real, but it was not!

There’s no point in trying to hang on. His love is greater than our greatest moment together. It took a while to see it, but it is true. His love has broken through and it’s reaching out to hold me. I can’t wait to steal away with him and dance with him. He’s the guardian of all my days and I don’t want him to ever let me go. He really knows me. You do not. If you knew me, you’d know that you’re killing me. You’re lies taste like honey, but go down like poison and slice me from the inside out. My insides are shredded, but Jesus is pouring healing into them. Your wounds could be fatal, but Jesus has promised the elixir of life if I will but reach out and take his hand. He has a condition, though, for his love. His condition is that I follow him fully and truly. I cannot have two loves. So I have made my choice and you see, there is no turning back. It is true. No more will I visit you or steal away for kisses of death.

You cannot have my mind, my body, my hands, my eyes, my mouth or control any longer. You have taken far too much from me as it is. I’ve no regrets in this decision except that I am sorry I have taken so long to see the light. But, you silly thing, you’ve had me blind-folded! Jesus took off the cloak and it was like seeing a whole new world!! I cannot even describe it. My best day with you is nothing compared to this. I’d rather be a janitor in his house than spend another moment in the dark with you.

Rejoice, though. You kept me safely yours for years. Do not weep and do not try to take me back. Our time is done. Oldest friend, I leave you for an even older and truer love. And, addiction? This is not a break. It is a break up.

Piss off.

Yours no more,
Adam

Filed Under: My Pornography Addiction Tagged With:

Masturbation Does Not Cause the Same "High" as Vaginal Intercourse Study

January 28, 2010 By View Comments

This is part of 2 postings that I cam across on Twitter from @Tams6979 on her blog (here and here), and with Tamara McCarthy’s permission I have reproduced much of what she said and she deserves full credit for this post.

Dr. Stuart Brody, PhD, is the author of over 140 scholarly publications and is a Full Professor of Psychology at the University of the West of Scotland (Paisley). Not only does he conduct research in this area, he frequently does so.

In a 2006 study he conducted, The post-orgasmic prolactin increase following intercourse is greater than following masturbation and suggests greater satiety (Biological Psychology, 71, 312-315.), he drew blood from participants (mostly grad students) via an intravenous canula inserted into their bronchial vein every 10 minutes while they either masturbated or had penile-vaginal intercourse. He and his colleagues discovered that after orgasm from sexual intercourse, the increase in blood prolactin levels is 400% higher in both sexes compared with after orgasm from masturbation.

“For both sexes, penile–vaginal intercourse produced a substantially greater (adjusted for response to control conditions, the increase was about five times as great) post-orgasmic prolactin increase than did masturbation.

Filed Under: My Pornography Addiction, Porn & Sex Statistics, Resources for Porn Addicts Tagged With: , , , ,

How Is Sexual or Porn Addiction Different from Other Addictions?

January 28, 2010 By View Comments

Many times I read or hear people talk and ask and wonder if there is such a thing as sexual addiction. Other times I hear people compare addictions to one another, and as an addict we can learn tons about our own addiction through the addiction of others. For example, when I talk to my friend who is a cocaine addict and an alcoholic, some of his behavior can so easily be fixed; however, as his accountability partner, I do not focus on his behavior entirely. I try to focus on his heart. As an addict of a different strand, I have applied many accountability tactics that have been used on me onto him.

However, sexual addiction is different, and anyone who says it is like the other addictions like alcoholism, narcotics, etc. simply are ignorant in the matter. So how is it different?

First, as humans we are innately sexual. We are identified and classified by our sex, our gender. Our sexuality is a part of who we are though we may not be who we have made it to be. Most addicts have taken something good and twisted and perverted it, sometimes beyond recognition. As an addict, our sexuality or sex or porn has wrongly become the centerfold or the secret centerfold of our lives. And for married people, one may or may not be able to abstain from sex to allow their brain patterns to be relearned/recentered or corrected. However, we are not just sexual animals; we are humans, sons/daughters of Adam & Eve, made in the “image of God” (Genesis 1:26-27).

Second, because of the nature of sexual addiction and society, it is the most shameful of all addictions. People have been dealing with alcoholics and drug addicts for years, and about 30+ years ago, alcoholism was in the same place that sexual addiction is in now. However, a sexual addict is a punchline. In the Christian community, it is the big pink elephant in the room that no one sees and no one certainly talks about. So for Christians, there is an added level of shame beyond the societal woes. In some circles a sexual addiction may be “celebrated” by friends; however, they don’t realize the extent of the need of the drug of sex/porn. It is very interesting that after Adam & Eve sinned in the garden, they immediately sought to cover themselves for they realized they were naked (Genesis 3:7), even though previously they were naked and unashamed (Genesis 2:25). So after sin, the implication is that they realized they were naked and had feelings of shame.

Third, with sexual addiction, there is usually an addiction to pornography. Pornography and masturbation are generally recognized to be the cornerstones on which one’s sexual addiction began. And (even if there isn’t any pornography) because of the nature of our brain patterns, these images stick (whether images of pornography or images of sexual acting out with others), especially when combined with the natural bodily chemicals, that is, hormone cocktail that engages the brain to solidify the image. While all addictions must deal with bad thinking patterns and false “self-talk,” sexual addicts have an added duty. They must always protect their minds from the images that can be recalled at a moment’s notice from a certain smell, a certain dress, a certain look, a certain body type, a certain hairstyle, a certain scenario, and all kinds of other possibilities infinite in number. So a sex addict more than any other addict must take every thought captive (2 Cor 10:5). The alcohol, the drugs, etc, can be put out of sight; internet pornography doesn’t follow suit.

Fourth, the addiction of sex/porn addiction is ultimately spiritual, but also physical, mental, and emotional. While the other addictions are any combination of the above, typically they don’t involve all four. One spiritual life author, Michael Wells, writes,

There are normally two elements comprising any hurt; the first is pain and the second is rejection…In fact, there is only one thing readily available to purge both pain and rejection…That one thing is sex. While involved in the sexual act, we receive pleasure and thus are free from our pain, while at the same time someone is holding us—even if just for the moment—and ridding us of that dreaded rejection. By the next day we may have pain and rejection intensified by this involvement (Sidetracked in the Wilderness, 47-48).

Fifth, there is a synthesis of arousal, relaxation, and fantasy unparalleled in any other addictions. Sex/porn addiction seems to combine these elements with more frequency and more intensity than any other elements. This gives a high that is equivalent or worse than the high of cocaine. At the height of the experience a person reaches orgasm, and there is a release of endorphins creating relaxation and euphoria.

When a person engages in pornography/masturbation or sexual relations, they are causing a physical response (orgasm, ejaculation) with a flood of hormones and chemical cocktails to flood the brain with mental implications. Furthermore, many sex/porn addicts use sex/porn to escape some emotional pain (no matter how small) or stress or difficulty or feelings to cope with their life or circumstances. And the ironic thing is that sex/porn causes an emotional tie and response typically one of anger or depression. And lastly, as in Genesis 2 and Ephesians 5, there is a spiritual connection that is made. As with any idol, there is demonic activity tied with pornography. So engaging in this behavior can have adverse effects on one’s mentality, one’s spouse’s emotions and spirituality. There is some demonic activity involved in the spouse’s dreams as can be seen at the forums of Fred Stoeker.

So sexual addiction is different in five main ways: (1) We are sexual beings; (2) sexual addiction is most shameful; (3) the sticky images of sexual addiction; (4) sexual addiction is spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional; and (5) an intense synthesis of arousal, relaxation, and fantasy .

Do you think sexual addiction is different than any other addiction? How so? Or how not?

Filed Under: My Pornography Addiction Tagged With: , ,
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