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FAT: Processing a Slip

November 3, 2010 By View Comments

For the last month or so, I have learned more about recovery than I ever have. One of the things that I learned was that I was not processing slips properly. So after a slip, I would immediately call a recovery friend. Once on the phone, we would process my emotions and sometimes my thinking. However, doing one or the other or even both is not enough.

Every slip needs to be processed immediately after it happens, and if someone is serious about their recovery every slip must be processed immediately after it happens (something which I haven’t done every time). While I define a slip a little more broadly (a little more specific including some recovery behaviors) than this, a slip at minimum is an viewing of pornography, any sexual act outside the confines of marraige (between a man and a woman), and masturbation (see tomorrow’s post).

So what does it mean to process a slip? Doing a post-mortem on a slip is of the utmost importance, and the better I know how to do this the better I can process a slip myself (however, it is much more powerful to have another addict walk you through this because they can call out your rationalizations, your minimizing tendencies, your denial, etc.) and the better I can help another struggling sex addict process through their slip. If done properly, it can reveal intentions, thoughts, feelings, and actions. So, one needs to process one’s Feelings, Actions, and Thoughts. But how do we process through these things?

When processing through a slip, you can start with any of the three. Sometimes it is easier to begin with actions while other times it’s easier to begin with thoughts. Typically, for the addict feelings will be the most difficult simply because acting out is often equivalent to numbing out. However, that being the case it makes the question quite obvious: What feeling were you trying to escape?

Let me give an example: the last time I slipped. If I think about the last time I slipped, what was I doing before I slipped? I was sleeping. What was I doing before that? Coming back to my apartment alone. What was I doing before that? I drove home from work.

Once it is obvious that the sequence of questioning rejoins “normal,” then we ask, “What should I have done differently?” Or, “What should I have done?” If I cannot answer that, I should ask, “What red flags do I see?” The obvious red flag is that I was home alone. What you may not know, but my recovering buddy should know, is that Wednesdays are my days for SA Meetings. So I shouldn’t have even come home to the apartment. So what should I have done? Well I could have called someone. I could have gone to SA early and build some relationships with some people who arrive early. I could have done both. So the next time I am tempted to go home to sleep, I now have a plan to execute. So, I have now processed my Actions.

So then it leads to why did I decided to go to my apartment. So why did I? Well I was exhaused and tired. Why? If I look at the circumstances and my actions that led to me being exhausted and tired, I can see that I was talking to my wife on the phone (she and I are geographically separated due to me taking a new job in another city) late into the night (and I can continue down that route if I want or need). Then, are there any other feelings that I may have felt when I acted out? Having thought of no more. I have processed my Feelings (however, I recommend coming back to this at the end).

Now, when I ask myself what I was thinking, something very obvious comes out very quickly. I was thinking, “Since I slipped yesterday, why not right now too?” and “It’s been about 24 hours since the last time, and that’s nothing I can’t regain, so why not?” Simply, I was allowing my sobriety date to determine my sobriety, which is bad sobriety, not true sobriety. Once I reveal my faulty thinking, I then must consider what I must do to combat those thoughts. Being performance driven and pulling my value out of that performance, I must remember who I am and whose I am? I need to do some work reminding myself that I am accepted by God, loved by God, cared for by God, wanted by God, and that my value and significance is found in God, not my performance. Now that I have processed my Thoughts, I revert back to my feelings to really check my feelings.

Once, I reinvestiage, I find that I was feeling sad, scared, shame and guilt. Now that I have uncovered the array of feelings that really was happening, I then can investigate why I was feeling those feelings and what I can do or think or even feel in response.

This creates a comprehensive way to deal with one’s slips. Simply think FAT!

Filed Under: Most Recent Post, My Pornography Addiction

Denial and Insanity: The First Step to Healing

June 13, 2010 By View Comments

Insanity is often described as doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. When I worked for a fairly large Fortune 500 company, I had a boss that said this every meeting it seemed (expecting different results I guess), which was ironic because he himself was modeling insanity as he was talking about it. However, it is often overlooked that addicts do try some things differently to no avail. We typically do believe “it will be different this time” or “what happened last time won’t happen this time.” However, no all addicts do the same thing again and again per se.

We do change some of our specific behaviors, mostly minor changes but changes nonetheless. And when we do make this minor changes, we expect drastically different results (always for the better). Rarely are any of these changed specific behaviors yield positive drastic results. Rather, we discover that the result was the same. Sometimes we even make drastic changes expecting different results only to find ourselves on the other side of the road or the other side of the pendulum swing with the same results.

Many times we accidentally discover easier and “better” (=less risk) ways to act out. Then this change yields a deceiving “positive” response in the sense that we don’t get caught or we’ve become better at managing our spouse’s complaint levels or a better way to manipulate our spouse. So instead of escaping into reality and truth, we become experts and masters of deception and delusion. Becoming more entrenched we lose reality even more.

Instead I do need to admit that I am powerless. I need to admit that I have a problem. Not only do I need to admit this once, but I need to admit it monthly, weekly, daily, even moment by moment. This is the first step out of the darkness into the light. It is, as Patrick Carnes says, the beginning of healing. “Ironically, accepting our illness becomes the very doorway to finding and keeping what we wanted all along.”

Filed Under: My Pornography Addiction Tagged With: , ,

14 Types of Denial in Pornography and/or Sex Addiction

May 1, 2010 By View Comments

This was originally written as a guest post for PorntoPurity.com.

Denial. No! What is it, really? I hear it thrown around constantly, and you probably do too. If you are anything like me, when you hear something like the first step that says, “We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable,” we think, “Duh! I’m here aren’t I!? Why else would I be here?” And we think, “I have already got this first step done!” When I first really entered recovery, my sponsor would constantly tell me that I was still in denial, and like any good addict, I denied it! I denied it because I had no idea what he was talking about. And frankly, he couldn’t articulate why he thought I was in denial. He would simply say, “It just sounds like you are still in denial.” And I would ask, “Well, what makes you say that?” And he could never answer me…well, at least to my satisfaction because I was intellectualizing the conversation. So I brushed it off.

However, when I began therapy with my counselor, he walked me through Patrick Carnes’s 14 Types of Denial asking me which ones that I did. Then I realized, yes, in some cases, probably more than I’d like to admit, I was in denial. And immediately I wanted to deny it! And the thing about the 12 steps is that it is not once and done. It is a process that is continuous, and I must continually choose to step out of denial in my thinking and definitely any time I do something wrong.

So I wanted to share these 14 with you guys. While some of these may overlap with one another, it helps to have these 14 categories to really know what denial really is. While most of us don’t use all twelve, try to pick out your top 3-4. The twelve taken from Facing the Shadow (adapted by me) are:

  1. Global Thinking: This is attempting to justify something with absolute terms like “always” or “never” or “whatsoever.” It also can be something along the lines of “every guy does this.”
  2. Rationalization: This is justifying unacceptable behavior saying things like “I don’t have a problem, I’m just sexually liberated,” or “You’re crazy,” or “I can go months without this, so I don’t have a problem.” As Rick Warren states, “Rationalize is telling yourself Rational Lies” (Twitter).
  3. Minimizing: This is trying to make behavior or consequences seem smaller or less important than they are saying things like “only a little,” or “only once in a while,” or “it’s no big deal,” or simply telling the story in a better light than it really should be.
  4. Comparison: This is shifting focus to someone else to justify behaviors such as “I’m not as bad as…”
  5. Uniqueness: This is thinking you are different or special saying things like “My situation is different,” or “I was hurt more,” or “That’s fine for you, but I’m too busy.” This one can also be considered Entitlement.
  6. Distraction (Carnes, Avoiding by creating an uproar or distraction): This is being a clown and getting everyone laughing, having angry outbursts meant to frighten or intimidate others, threats and posturing, and doing shocking behavior that may even be sexual. This can be when we simply blow up upon being confronted hoping that our explosion will draw attention rather than the actual issue.
  7. Avoiding by Omission: This is trying to change the subject, ignore the subject, or manipulate the conversation to avoid talking about something. It is also leaving out important bits of information like the fact that the lover is underage, or the person is a close friend of your spouse, or revealing enough information while keeping back the most “dangerous” information that will get you in more trouble.
  8. Blaming: This is when you shift blame and responsibility from yourself to another person, and many times this is done unconsciously since in the depth of our being we really don’t want to be held responsible for something. I call this the Adam Syndrome as this is what Adam did in the Garden (Genesis 3) by wrongly blaming Eve for his rebellion. This includes, “Well, you would cruise all night, too, if you had my job,” or “If my spouse weren’t so cold…” or “I can’t help it, the baby cries day and night and makes me nervous.”
  9. Intellectualizing: This is avoiding feelings and responsibility by thinking or by asking why. This person tries to explain everything getting lost in detail, rabbit trails, and/or storytelling. This often includes pretending superior intellect and using intelligence as a weapon. If you watch the TV Show Bones, Dr. Temprance Brennan does this often.
  10. Victim Mentality (Carnes, Hopelessness/Helplessness): This is where a person says, “I’m a victim,” or “I can’t help it,” or “There is nothing I can do to get better,” or “I’m the worst.”
  11. Manipulative Behavior: This usually involves some distortion of reality including the use of power, lies, secrets, or guilt to exploit others.
  12. Compartmentalizing: This is something that almost every addict does (I actually want to say EVERY but will hold back). This is separating your life into compartments in which you do things that you keep separate from other parts of your life. This is like a Jackel and Hyde or a separation of Public and Private life to the point where it is unhealthy driven by thoughts of “If they only knew, then…”
  13. Crazymaking: This occurs when we are confronted by others who DO have a correct perception…we simply tell them that they are totally wrong. We act indignantly toward them attempting to make them feel crazy by simply positing that they cannot trust their own perceptions.
  14. Seduction: This is the use of charm, humor, good looks, or helpfulness to gain sexual access and cover up insincerity.

For me, while I struggle with many of these denial types (rationalizing, minimizing, uniqueness, distraction, omission, blaming, intellectualizing, compartmentalizing) and probably have done them all at one point or another, my Big Three are Minimizing, Omission, and Intellectualizing. Well, at least that’s what I think they are. It is a good practice to take this list and mark the ones that you think you do, and confirming it with your spouse and/or your sponsor and/or someone close to you that knows most of the story and has lived through things with you. The goal is to identify which ones we tend towards so when we are facing our secrets and/or our problems, we can identify some of these behaviors in order to face the truth at all costs and comfort and live out the Stockdale Paradox.

What are yours?

Filed Under: My Pornography Addiction, Resources for Porn Addicts, Sex Addiction Help

The Addiction Cycle for Pornography or Sex Addiction

April 26, 2010 By View Comments
Pornography Sex Addiction Cycle

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Patrick Carnes describes the addiction cycle as:

  1. Preoccupation-the trance or mood wherein the addicts’ minds are completely engrossed with thoughts of sex. This mental state creates an obsessive search for sexual stimulation.
  2. Ritualization-the addicts’ own special routines which lead up to the sexual behavior. The ritual intensifies the preoccupation, adding arousal and excitement.
  3. Compulsive Sexual Behavior-the actual sexual act, which is the end goal of the preoccupation and ritualization. Sexual addicts are unable to control or stop this behavior.
  4. Despair-the feeling of utter hopelessness addicts have about their behavior and their powerlessness.

First, the thought or fantasy enters the addicts mind through some sort of trigger based on their arousal template (or what excites them). This could be in the form of an image that suddenly appeared in one’s mind or a smell or a sound or a whole slew of various triggers. This is where the battle must take place (2 Cor 10:5). From here, from this thought comes an obsessive preoccupation on the fantasy or sexual thought. Here the battle is much, much tougher yet beatable. The felt, immediate cost will be greater.

Then comes the person’s ritual. In the ritualization stage, according to Carnes, the battle is already lost. However, I must disagree. I believe that the Lord does provide a way out (1 Cor 10:13). Many times the ritualization part can look a lot like the sexual compulsive stage. This stage This can vary from a wide variety of events from turning on the computer, going to a certain “safe” site that allows one to get closer, etc. In the ritualization process, the addict forms his excuses, rationalizations, or returns to a state of denial. This stage can happen over a course of minutes and even seconds to a week or sometimes a month.

The ritualization leads to the addict sexually acting out in their sexual compulsive behavior. This is the culmination of the thought, the preoccupation, and the ritualization process.

After the acting out, the addict feels guilt or shame for the behavior.  “How could I do this again??” It is important to note that the addict feels both shame and guilt, and it is important to note the differences between the two:

Guilt says I’ve done something wrong; shame says there is something wrong with me. Guilt says I’ve made a mistake; shame says I am a mistake. Guilt says what did was not good; shame says I am no good. Bradshaw (1988).

While guilt or even sorrow can be constructive and lead to recovery, shame can be overwhelming and can lead to despair or hopelessness. And this emotional flood can be rather overwhelming and depressing. It demands attention and this leads the addict back to preoccupation.

From the Sexual Addiction Recovery Resources, they picture the addiction cycle as:

Pornography Sexual Addiction Cycle

Filed Under: Resources for Porn Addicts Tagged With: ,

The Pornographic Bargain

April 25, 2010 By View Comments

There is a story called Faust by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe where Faust sells his soul to the devil (Mephistopheles). (Source, Source)

Faust. What is your name?
Mephistopheles. The question seems but cheap
From one who for the Word has such contempt,
Who from all outward show is quite exempt
And only into beings would delve deep.
Faust. The being of such gentlemen as you, indeed,
In general, from your titles one can read.
It shows itself but all too plainly when men dub
You Liar or Destroyer or Beelzebub.
Well now, who are you then?
Mephistopheles. Part of that Power which would
The Evil ever do, and ever does the Good.
Faust. A riddle! Say what it implies!
Mephistopheles. I am the Spirit that denies!
And rightly too; for all that doth begin
Should rightly to destruction run;
‘Twere better then that nothing were begun.
Thus everything that you call Sin,
Destruction – in a word, as Evil represent-
That is my own, real element.

For Faust, the bargain was for his soul. If you recall the story of Ulysses and the Sirens, the bargain was for Ulysses’s life. For us, the bargain is for both our life and our soul. However, the point of this is that like the Sirens, there is something that whispers in our hearts and our ears trying to draw us back. Whether it be our flesh, our sin, or even something spiritual or even demonic, it is there. While I am not going to go into the details or the debate over spiritual things here, suffice it to say that thoughts of sinning can originate from three primary places: (1) Satan and his cohorts (Eph 6:12), (2) other people (Matt 18:6), and (3) my own personal flesh (1 Jn 2:16; Rom 7). So though I don’t necessarily want to enter the debate, I do believe that pornography is an idol and behind every idol is something demonic (1 Cor 10:19-20; cf. 12:2).

And in every addiction, there is immense denial, me included. And denial is the first step that we must deal with if we ever want to break out and break free. Yet, this step is also not something that once we accomplish, it’s done, that we are immediately passed it. No, rather it is something that we must do every day because there is a spirit of denial that beacons us and bids us to come.

For me, what I need to do is to make sure that I reach out to someone when this happens at the beginning…something that I have never done before. I cannot do this alone, and people will fail me as they have done in the past. However, I need people however faulty they may be. And because of this, I must have a strong support system with a variety of people that I can lean, so whenever one of them is not available, another is. So unlike Faust, we must not sell our souls to the devil and give in to the spirit that denies.

Filed Under: My Pornography Addiction Tagged With: , ,

A Pornography Addict’s Anchor in the Midst of Enticement: A Story

April 19, 2010 By View Comments

In the Odyssey, he Greek hero Odysseus (or Ulysses, as he was known in Roman myths), Circe warns Odysseus regarding his trip. She says:

First you will come to the Sirens who enchant all who come near them. If any one unwarily draws in too close and hears the singing of the Sirens, his wife and children will never welcome him home again, for they sit in a green field and warble him to death with the sweetness of their song. There is a great heap of dead men’s bones lying all around, with the flesh still rotting off them. Therefore pass these Sirens by, and stop your men’s ears with wax that none of them may hear; but if you like you can listen yourself, for you may get the men to bind you as you stand upright on a cross-piece half way up the mast, and they must lash the rope’s ends to the mast itself, that you may have the pleasure of listening. If you beg and pray the men to unloose you, then they must bind you faster.

Pornography Addict's Odysseus and the Sirens
So Odysseus recounts this prophecy to his men, and they quickly reached the island of the Sirens for the wind blew favorably for them. However, it quickly calmed and the men went rowing. So Odysseus took a wheel of wax, cut it, kneaded it with the help of the sun, and plugged his men’s ears with it. They in turn tied Odysseus to the mast as he stood upright on the crosspiece. Upon coming within earshot, the Sirens started singing. Odysseus continues:

“‘Come here,’ they sang, ‘renowned Ulysses, honour to the Achaean name, and listen to our two voices. No one ever sailed past us without staying to hear the enchanting sweetness of our song- and he who listens will go on his way not only charmed, but wiser, for we know all the ills that the gods laid upon the Argives and Trojans before Troy, and can tell you everything that is going to happen over the whole world.’

“They sang these words most musically, and as I longed to hear them further I made by frowning to my men that they should set me free; but they quickened their stroke, and Eurylochus and Perimedes bound me with still stronger bonds till we had got out of hearing of the Sirens’ voices. Then my men took the wax from their ears and unbound me.” (Source)

And so it is also with pornography addiction. As Patrick Carnes states, “Addiction rests in delusion, denial and deception.” A friend of mine has a question that he loves to ask people, “How do you know that you are deceived?” Or, “How do people know that they are deceived?” The answer is simple, but think about it. How do we know if we have been deceived? Simply without some sort of help, we don’t. We don’t. We don’t have the slightest clue without something external to me whether that be a friend, a book, the Bible, or the Holy Spirit. Likewise, we don’t know if we have been disillusioned or deceived. Frankly, we don’t even know if we are in denial until some sort of crisis. And often and typically, if not always, the crisis is external to ourselves.

Yet, with all addictions, there is that voice that everyone hears that calls us back to our sin. Just as Israel kept wanting to return to Egypt, likewise an addict sometimes has in his/her mind that he/she wants to return back to Egypt. As the saying goes, “Better the devil I know than the one that I don’t.” However, addicts hear those voices as though those voices have the power and the pull of the Sirens, where, if we are not tied down to something, we will do everything we can to go there, even though we may not want to return. Patrick Carnes calls this the “Sweet Voice of Escape” from Paul Jefferson’s song where he sang, “Addiction is like the sweet voice of escape.” This internal conflict and contradiction is typical of us addicts.

So as I think through this story, there are three important things to consider.

  1. What are some things that I have been warned about that if I do or come close to doing, it’s already a lost cause, just as though Ulysses approached the Sirens without being tied down?
  2. A second thing is that pornography does offer something.
  3. Who do I have that will inform me of possible future traps, just as Odysseus had Circe?

What are some things that I have been warned about that if I do or come close to doing, it’s already a lost cause, just as though Ulysses approached the Sirens without being tied down? One thing that my wife and I have talked about is my looking at pictures on the internet as part of my job. Periodically, in creating something for work, I’ll go to the internet to pull Creative Commons pictures of a wide variety of things. However, when I do this, there is always the possibility of seeing something that will cause me to stumble for I can only control the words I type, not the results. And people are crafty and will post inappropriate pictures with the wrong safe-guard level tagging on purpose. So this is one thing that if I do without some immediate support (e.g., doing these type of searches with my wife, etc.), then I will be sucked in and will fall victim (though a victim may not be the best word as it was spawned by a poor choice) to the “Sirens” of sorts.

A second thing is that pornography does offer something. It is not something that is completely and utterly empty. There is something there. There is some sort of pull. Pornography promises the ultimate and best fix. Pornography promises control, power, and acceptance. Just as the Sirens promised knowledge, charm, wisdom, even divine knowledge and wisdom, likewise, pornography promises similar knowledge, charm, and wisdom, even divine knowledge and wisdom. For with the pornography addict, we control the destinies of what they are watching or seeing. We see things that only God should see. We are privy to intimate things. However, it is only a show. It is false. It is empty. It is vain. And eventually we learn that pornography, like other addictions, fail the fantasy, the promises.

So, as an addict, I need people around me. I need friends that will tie me down. I need advisers that will inform me of possible future traps, just as Odysseus had Circe. These people are people in my life that understand the addiction, that will call me to the rug, that will love me enough to speak truth in my life. These are people who will drop everything they are doing to help you. These are people who are committed to my success at overcoming this problem. For me, these are my friends from my therapy group, 12 step groups, old friends, and my wife. However, I must do my part as well. As much as I’d like to blame some of these guys for some of my failings, I cannot. I must do my part and call them when I need them. And I must also do my part and have more than one person to depend because having only one person to depend on is setting myself up for failure. Yet, while this process can take a long time, it doesn’t have to take that long. However, I must have these people in my life, because as an addict, I do not look ahead that often. So I need those people around me often. I need these people around me deep enough to really know me (something I struggle with greatly).

Filed Under: Featured, My Pornography Addiction, Recovery Parables Tagged With: ,

The Addiction Noose as a way of Looking at the Addictive Cycle

April 16, 2010 By View Comments

Ted Roberts, in Pure Desire, refers to The Addictive Cycle as the Addictive Noose.

The Noose of Sexual Addiction consists of four issues:

Sexual Addiction Cycle Noose

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  1. The Addictive Root
  2. The Addictive Mindset
  3. The Addictive Lifestyle
  4. The Addictive Cloak

So the addiction is not just about the person’s behavior/lifestyle, but about a wide variety of other issues. As Ted Roberts says, “It is about his past, the way he thinks and the defense mechanisms he has developed to keep from being exposed. Sexual Addiction isn’t ultimately about sex; it is about the way the person deals with life!” (Pure Desire, 49). And as many therapist say, “A sex addict knows nothing about sex because they know nothing about intimacy.”

Addiction has three interlocking elements:

  1. The problem has become unmanageable. The person has repeatedly and unsuccessfully tried to stop the behavior in a number of ways. Many take a binge/purge approach where they binge for a day, week, or even a month, and then they purge and that is also cyclical.
  2. Their behavior is destructive to them in some form. The first consequence is numbness, emotional numbness. SA is medicating against some sort of pain or emotional reality in his life.
  3. There is increased intensity of the activity over a period of time. The sexual high of the past isn’t enough so the “dosage” has to increase thus altering the brain chemistry.

The Addictive Mindset consists of a variety of destructive core concepts or also known as Core Beliefs (Patrick Carnes) including thoughts or worthlessness, unlovability, loneliness, and pleasure centric thoughts.

  1. “I am basically a bad, unworthy person.” Jeff Fisher at PorntoPurity.com has a great post on this here.
  2. “No one would love me as I am.” (Similar to “If they knew me, then they wouldn’t like me.”) Jeff Fisher at PorntoPurity.com has a great post on this here
  3. “My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others.” Jeff Fisher at PorntoPurity.com has a great post on this here
  4. “Sex is my most important need.” Jeff Fisher at PorntoPurity.com has a great post on this here

The Addictive Lifestyle consists of a cycle that begins with Fantasy which leads to ritual, which leads to secrecy, which leads to further shame and guilt.

The Addictive Cloak is in denial, delusion and blame.

The Addictive Root has three basic drivers: (1) Family Dysfunction; (2) Personal Trauma; and (3) Addictive Society. And this root is a complex root system, and for people with multiple issues or even addictions this root system is overlapped with another complex root system that must carefully be revealed, studied, and eventually dug-up, repaired or even replaced.

Filed Under: Resources for Porn Addicts, Sex Addiction Help Tagged With: , , ,

The Stockdale Paradox and Pornography Addiction

April 14, 2010 By View Comments

What is the Stockdale Paradox? The Stockdale Paradox is best described in Jim Collins’s book Good to Great. In it, he writes (83-87): The Stockdale Paradox is named after…

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Admiral Jim Stockdale who was the highest Admiral James Stockdale & Stockdale Paradox Applied to Pornography Addictionranking US military officer in the “Hanoi Hilton” prison-of-war camp during the height of the Vietnam War. Tortured over twenty times during his eight-year imprisonment from 1965-1973, Stockdale lived out the war without any prisoner’s rights, no set release date, certainty as to whether he would even survive to see his family again. He shouldered the burden of command, doing everything he could to create the conditions that would increase the number of prisoners who would survive unbroken, while fighting an internal war against his captors and their attempts to use the prisoners for propaganda…[In Collins' preparation of meeting with Stockdale, he read In Love and War]

As I moved through the book, I found myself getting depressed. It just seemed so bleak–the uncertainty of his fate, the brutality of his captors and so forth. And then it dawned on me: “Here I am sitting in my warm and comfortable office, looking out over the beautiful Stanford campus on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. I’m getting depressed reading this, and I know the end of the story! I know that he gets out, reunites with his family, becomes a national hero, and gets to spend the later years of his life studying philosophy on the same beautiful campus. If it feels depressing for me, how on earth did he deal with it when he was actually there and did not know the end of the story?”

“I never lost faith in the end of the story,” he said when I asked him, “I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade.”

I didn’t say anything for many minutes, and we continued the slow walk toward the faculty club, Stockdale limping and arc-swinging his stiff lef that enever fully recovered from repeated torture. Finally after about a hundred meters of silence, I asked, “Who didn’t make it out?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” he said, “The optimists.”

“The optimists? I don’t understand,” I said, now completely confused, given what he’d said a hundred meters earlier.

“The optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said ‘we’re going to be out by Christmas’. And, Christmas would come and Christmas would go. Then they’d say, ‘We’re going to be out by Easter.’ And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. Then they died of a broken heart.”

Another long pause, and more walking. Then he turned to me and said, “This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end – which you can never afford to lose – with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”

That conversation with Admiral Stockdale stayed with me, and in fact had a profound influence on my own development. Life is unfair–sometimes to our advantage, sometimes to our disadvantage. We will all experience disappointments and crushing events somewhere along the way, setbacks…What separates people, Stockdale taught me, is not the presence or absence of difficulty, but how they deal with the inevitable difficulties of life.

The Stockdale Paradox simply is maintaining unwavering faith that you can and will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties, AND at the same time have the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they may be.

And so it is with recovery. We must do two things:

  1. Maintain hope and unwavering faith that I can and I will prevail in the end, and
  2. Confront the brutal facts and effects of my current reality.

Hope. Reality. In my own recovery, it is extremely difficult for me to do both. Typically in the past, I either have one or the other, but primarily one and that being a naive, faint hope. I have only been an Optimist, as Stockdale put it, and I have died again and again and again. I am not surviving whatsoever. I tend to shy away from confronting the “brutal facts” of my current reality. And that’s what they are: brutal. My reality is often exposed by my wife at times I don’t find convenient…then again, no time is convenient! Basically, I don’t want to face my reality. I don’t really want to face them for when I do, I am not sure if I can handle it. Living in the world of ignorance, denial, and un-reality is bliss, but only bliss for me in a very limited sense. It is anything but bliss and serenity for my family. Instead my selfish bliss becomes a raging storm for those around me. And I sit in the midst of the storm believing that I am not getting wet and that it will not have any affect on me whatsoever.

As the Calvin (little boy) and Hobbes (tiger) comic goes, Calvin says something like, “If I see/hear something I don’t like, I think I’m going to ignore it.” And Hobbes says, “Don’t you think that’s kind of irresponsible.” And Calvin says, “Wow, isn’t it a nice day?”

Pornography Addiction Ignoring Reality and Hope

That is me in a comic strip. I ignore things I don’t like instead of confronting them and facing them head on. I am the big pink elephant in the room, and I am perfectly happy so as long as no one talks about me, talks to me about me, or brings a mirror in the room.

Scot Peck, in the Road Less Traveled, says:

We must always hold truth, as best we can determine it, to be more important, more vital to our self-interest, than our comfort. Conversely, we must always consider our personal discomfort relatively unimportant and, indeed, even welcome it in the service of the search for truth. Mental health is the on-going process of dedication to reality at all costs.

This is extremely difficult. As an addict, I have lied again and again, over and over, to myself, to my wife, to all my friends, and on and on. I have lived a lie masquerading as something that I am not really putting my family in situations where they must also masquerade in order to “protect” me. So to face this truth will be extremely difficult; however, it is one that I must do.

John 8:32 says, “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” For so long I wanted to be free without knowing the truth, without anyone else knowing the truth, and if I could help it, without God knowing the truth. And part of knowing the truth is obeying Jesus Christ, for John 8:31 says, “If you continue to follow my teaching, you are really my disciples.” This is consistent with much of 1 John which speaks about abiding in Christ and obeying Jesus’ commands. However, for me, the truth is that I haven’t been following Jesus’ teachings in regards to sexual immorality. The truth is that I haven’t been obeying Jesus Christ with my tongue, lying constantly and rather consistently. The truth, my reality is that I have created a wake that is ugly, devastating and brutal for all parties involved.

The truth and my true reality is not gray regardless how gray I would like things to be. Instead, the truth is black and white for that is the nature of truth. My reality is not gray. It is black and white. My pornography addiction has created a gray environment where something that should be seen as sin (as black) is seen as gray or not so bad because of my rationalizations and failed moral compass (if I can even say that I have one).

Filed Under: Featured, My Pornography Addiction, Recovery Parables, Resources for Porn Addicts, Sex Addiction Help Tagged With: , ,

Psalm 51, My Porn Secrets, and Me

March 31, 2010 By View Comments

King David was Israel’s greatest king up to the time he reigned. Everything that was before him belonged to him. He was chosen by God at God’s timing. He was known for being a man after God’s own heart. However, King David was an adulterer, a liar, a deceiver, and a murderer (2 Samuel 11). And he stayed in such a condition for about a year. A year! 365 days, he lived in denial. It wasn’t until the prophet Nathan confronted him that he began to repent. He, being “a man after God’s own heart” (Acts 13:22; cf. Ps 89:20 + 1 Sam 13:14), didn’t repent on his own. No, it was something outside of him that caused him to begin repenting. It was God confronting him through another person (cf. Gal 6:1).

Well, it was after that point that David penned these words:

1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.

14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.

19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

While this psalm is full of stuff for people like me, I want to focus on Psalm 51:16-17. In essence, right before David wrote this psalm, you can see King David agonizing over this asking the Lord, “What can I do to make this right?” You can see him saying, “Lord, do you want me to offer a burnt offering? a 1,000 burnt offerings?” And David could give any number of burnt offerings or any other offering; however, that is not what God wanted. Instead, God wanted something deeper, something bigger, something much more difficult. Instead, God wanted a broken and contrite heart. He wants me to look into the core of my being and recognize how selfish I am. He wants to me look deep inside and see how depraved and sinful I really am, without denying it. He wants me to be honest with myself.

Not only that, He knows that if I look into the law, I will only find that my wages are DEATH (Rom 6:23; cf. Rom 4:4). If David was to look into the law, he would have found that he was guilty for the penalty of death for the sins of adultery (Dt 22:22; Lev 20:10) and murder (Ex 21). Could King David fix the problem? No. Could he control the situation? No. Could he manipulate people and things to ensure that everything goes his way? No. Likewise, can I control the situation? No, not with any good affect. Can I manipulate anyone? No, not really. While I can spin my wheels and continue to try to do these things, as exhausting as they are, He wants me to cry out to him asking for his help.

Until I heard my mentor say something along these lines to me, I thought I was past denial. However, I was actually in denial about being out of denial. I deny how sinful and depraved I really I am. I deceive myself and lie to myself thinking that I am not that bad or that I have been very transparent and authentic. However, the opposite is true. I have been very deceptive and manipulative about presenting myself a certain way to ensure or maximize a certain persona. This is why blogging anonymously is so great because I can be completely honest without anyone knowing who I am and me not having to worry about approval, maintaining a certain image or reputation, etc.

Now David will always be known not only as a man after God’s own heart. He will also be known as an adulterer and murderer. His secret sins were made known so that even 4,000+ years later, we are reading about him, talking about him, and writing about him as such. And I am very thankful because he serves as the perfect example, at least for me.

So likewise, my sins will be known! I can remember reading Luke 12:2-3 as a youth, as a new Christian. Luke 12:2-3 (NET) states:

2 Nothing is hidden that will not be revealed, and nothing is secret that will not be made known. 3 So then whatever you have said in the dark will be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms will be proclaimed from the housetops.

I remember explicitly thinking that this would not happen to me. Surely it wouldn’t because I am a Christian now! I thought these verses refer specifically to the Pharisees and their actions. I surely did not apply to me whatsoever. If it did, I would have heard more about this. However, regardless of whether the church taught this or not, it should be applied to all peoples everywhere. My sins will be fully known. I will be fully known.

So I have a choice, either:

  1. Work to keep my secrets as secrets only in vain, or;
  2. Work to reveal the truth, even the ugly truth about who I am.

For me it is much more than this, much bigger. God wants me to begin to fully know myself as I really am…wicked, depraved, sinful, and utterly selfish. And then realize that though God Himself knows me fully and completely and all my secrets, He still loved me that while I was like Hitler or Stalin or some other evil person! This is atrocious and wreckless, yet true. No wonder Rich Mullins called it the “wreckless, raging fury.”

However, even deeper is a realization of something more terrifying for me, and that is a fear of intimacy, or rather, a fear of being known. I have had these thoughts for as long as I can remember, since the beginning of my struggle with pornography. Still to this day, these same thoughts of inadequacy, shame, guilt, and the fear of being known has plagued me. I think, “If anyone knew about this about me, they would most definitely not like me.” And have I heard the stories of “friends” who have told others about their struggle only to be shunned reaffirming their guilt and shame and incorrect core belief. So instead of putting myself in those situations, I work overtime ensuring that people only know what I want them to know about me protecting myself as much as possible from someone getting too close.

However, I am married now, so things have to change…yet it doesn’t absolve the notion that I am terrified of intimacy and the vulnerability that comes with that. This is one reason that my wife intimidates the heck out of me. And, the same goes with God. 1 Corinthains 8:3 says, “But the man who loves God is known by God.” This verse scares me and rocks me to the core. I read this verse again and again contemplating whether I even want to love God. However, the opposite of this verse (“But the man who does not love God is not known by God.”) is not necessarily true, and based on Psalm 139, it can be said that the opposite is not true whatsoever. Instead, God knows me for he has formed my inward parts (Psalm 139:13). So like Adam, I find myself hiding from God (but I’m better at it than Adam!). Yet God’s hand forces me to come out into the open.

Filed Under: My Pornography Addiction Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Guidelines to Find the Right Accountability Partner

January 8, 2010 By View Comments

NOTE: Previously I wrote a blog post, “Hardcore Accountability & Guidelines to Find the Right Accountability Partner,” where I talked about both accountability measures and accountability partner guidelines. However, I keep coming up with a more and more accountability measures, so I thought it would be best to split this blog post into two posts as they both will continue to evolve.

Jeff has restored my idea of accountability; however, finding the right person can be quite difficult. Here are some suggestions in finding the right person.

  1. Must be of same gender. (see above)
  2. Must be someone you trust. Even this is not a guarantee that you will not have the door shut on you.
  3. Try to pick someone who is at your stage or further along than you (though this is not always possible).
  4. Pick someone you like. There is “nothing worse” than meeting with someone you don’t like.
  5. Pick someone with the same or similar struggle. While addiction is addiction, it is easier to relate to another porn addict than it is to an alcoholic or a drug addict. However, that is not to say that we cannot learn from a recovered alcoholic or drug addict. It’s just different in many different ways.

John Baker makes these suggestions in his book Life’s Healing Choices::

  1. Does he or she have a growing relationship with Jesus Christ? Do you see the character of Christ developing in this person?
  2. Does this person’s walk and talk match? Some Christians can quote the Bible, chapter and verse, but their lifestyle does not match their talk.  Be certain that the person you choose to share your journey with is someone whose life is worthy of imitation.
  3. Is he or she a good listener? Do you sense that this person honestly cares about what you have to say?
  4. Does he or she show compassion, concern, and hope, but not pity? You don’t need someone to feel sorry for you, but you do need someone who can be sensitive to your pain.
  5. Is this person strong enough to confront your denial or procrastination? Does he or she care enough about you and your progress to challenge you?  There is a difference between helping others and trying to fix others.  You need to be careful to guard the relationship from becoming unhealthy or codependent.
  6. Does he or she offer suggestions? Sometimes we need help in seeing options or alternatives that we are unable to find on our own.
  7. Can this person share his or her own past and current struggles with you? Is this person willing to open up and be vulnerable and transparent with you?

Celebrate Recovery and other 12-step groups make a major distinction between having an accountability partner and a sponsor. Celebrate Recovery  states that there should be prerequisites for accountability partners. They are:

  • Actively attending Celebrate Recovery meetings.
  • Sharing a similar area of recovery.
  • Must be same sex.
  • Developing deeper relationship with Christ.
  • Demonstrating growth in their recovery.

They also state that there are prerequisites for sponsors. They are:

  • Completed CR Step Study Group / Completed the 12 Steps.
  • One continuous year of sobriety / abstinence.
  • Actively attending Celebrate Recovery meetings.
  • Have their own Sponsor and Accountability Team.
  • Must be same sex as Sponsee.

Here is a comparison chart of Accountability Partners and Sponsors (by CR).

Accountability Partners Sponsors
Attend Large Group and Open Share Group together. Coaches you through the 8 Principles/12 Steps;
Participant’s Guide.
Join and attend Step Study Group together. Available in time of crisis or potential relapse.
Get involved in Celebrate Recovery Service together. Serves as a sounding board by providing objective point of view.
Holds you accountable for same area of recovery and issues. Discuss issues in detail too personal for meeting time. (Listens to 5th Step)
Call each other daily. Give recovery related assignments.
Encourage each others’ program. Requires meeting attendance.
Help motivate each other. Requires check-in calls.
Are at the same place (steps, sobriety time) in their recoveries. Has at least 1 year continuous sobriety and has completed the 12 Steps.
Includes at least 3 or 4 people. Same area of recovery and gender.
Pray for each other. Shares experience strength and hope.**
Attends BBQ together and Solid Rock Cafe. Will confront denial and procrastination.

**Sadly, the Celebrate Recovery material doesn’t say that the sponsor will pray for the Sponsoree (<-Is that a word?).
One thing I do like about the CR material is that it says, “A sponsor is like having a personal weight/exercise trainer. An Accountability Partner is someone you go with to the gym.”

Filed Under: Accountability for Porn Addicts, My Pornography Addiction, Resources for Porn Addicts Tagged With: , , ,

Hardcore Accountability & Guidelines to Find the Right Accountability Partner

August 7, 2009 By View Comments

NOTE: This post has been updated and separated into two blog posts: 28 Strong Accountability Measures For Pornography (and All?) Addicts and Guidelines to Find the Right Accountability Partner. Please click on these links for the most up-to-date information.

My blogging acquaintance from Porn to Purity wrote a fantastic blog called “Hard Core Accountability,” and this is a must read. For convenience sake, I have decided to re-post his post below with some of my own additions (in red). Jeff writes,

Accountability is giving an accounting of your actions.  It is an added structure to a part of your life that is broken, weak, or one you simply want to get better.Sometimes hard-core accountability is needed, when a person has gone deep into sexual sin or has broken trust.  Sometimes the person has messed up the relationships and the trust so bad that extreme measures need to be taken to help the person find stability again.

In the recovery groups I’ve been a part of, here are some things measures that some guys had to setup in their lives to stop the lying and stop the behaviors.

STRONG ACCOUNTABILITY MEASURES
1.  Credit card reports need to be examined <-Extremely invasive, but extremely good!
2.  Cell phone log needs to be examined
2a.Text messages must be examined compared with to phone records.
3.  No access to Internet or TV without password
3a. Monitoring software placed on the PC (i.e., X3, SafeEyes, Covenant Eyes)
4.  No cash allowed PERIOD!
4a. Bring back ALL receipts, not matter what, offering them to your spouse.
5.  Person needs to call before/after work or errands
5a. Keep a long book of addresses & times in the car. For example, MY HOUSE 5:15, 73,564 miles // Church (123 ABC Rd) 5:23, 73,569 miles.
6.  Separation / kicked out of house
6a. Live-In Separation: Live separately under one roof with no sexual contact (though much harder!).
7.  Person or couple must go to intensive counseling
8.  Person must go to a live-in recovery program
9. Call/text your accountability/mentor 5 times a day (and leave voicemail if needed).
9a. Call someone different for each day of the week.
10. Spiritual spotting where you MUST show your journal to your accountability/mentor.
11. Consider something you love and give it to your accountability partner as a consequence (i.e., a guy I know loves his X-Box and gives it up [for a pre-determined period of time] any time he does fall)

REMINDERS ABOUT ACCOUNTABILITY
It’s important to remember that heavy accountability is not going to cure a person.  It just helps him have a strong structure in his life so he can work on his problems better.  Real recovery work is done in the heart. That’s God’s territory. Accountability should be set up with the redemption of the person in mind.  Yes, the behaviors need to stop.  But the whole person needs to be healed.

Accountability can be done by a spouse, but it can be incredibly difficult on them.  Many experts recommend someone of the same gender assisting, or even a professional helping. (Emphasis mine.)

Jeff has restored my idea of accountability; however, finding the right person can be quite difficult. Here are some suggestions in finding the right person.

  1. Must be of same gender. (see above)
  2. Must be someone you trust. Even this is not a guarantee that you will not have the door shut on you.
  3. Try to pick someone who is at your stage or further along than you (though this is not always possible).
  4. Pick someone you like. There is “nothing worse” than meeting with someone you don’t like.
  5. Pick someone with the same or similar struggle. While addiction is addiction, it is easier to relate to another porn addict than it is to an alcoholic or a drug addict. However, that is not to say that we cannot learn from a recovered alcoholic or drug addict. It’s just different in many different ways.

John Baker makes these suggestions in his book Life’s Healing Choices::

  1. Does he or she have a growing relationship with Jesus Christ? Do you see the character of Christ developing in this person?
  2. Does this person’s walk and talk match? Some Christians can quote the Bible, chapter and verse, but their lifestyle does not match their talk.  Be certain that the person you choose to share your journey with is someone whose life is worthy of imitation.
  3. Is he or she a good listener? Do you sense that this person honestly cares about what you have to say?
  4. Does he or she show compassion, concern, and hope, but not pity? You don’t need someone to feel sorry for you, but you do need someone who can be sensitive to your pain.
  5. Is this person strong enough to confront your denial or procrastination? Does he or she care enough about you and your progress to challenge you?  There is a difference between helping others and trying to fix others.  You need to be careful to guard the relationship from becoming unhealthy or codependent.
  6. Does he or she offer suggestions? Sometimes we need help in seeing options or alternatives that we are unable to find on our own.
  7. Can this person share his or her own past and current struggles with you? Is this person willing to open up and be vulnerable and transparent with you?

Celebrate Recovery and other 12-step groups make a major distinction between having an accountability partner and a sponsor. Celebrate Recovery  states that there should be prerequisites for accountability partners. They are:

  • Actively attending Celebrate Recovery meetings.
  • Sharing a similar area of recovery.
  • Must be same sex.
  • Developing deeper relationship with Christ.
  • Demonstrating growth in their recovery.

They also state that there are prerequisites for sponsors. They are:

  • Completed CR Step Study Group / Completed the 12 Steps.
  • One continuous year of sobriety / abstinence.
  • Actively attending Celebrate Recovery meetings.
  • Have their own Sponsor and Accountability Team.
  • Must be same sex as Sponsee.

Here is a comparison chart of Accountability Partners and Sponsors (by CR).

Accountability Partners Sponsors
Attend Large Group and Open Share Group together. Coaches you through the 8 Principles/12 Steps;
Participant’s Guide.
Join and attend Step Study Group together. Available in time of crisis or potential relapse.
Get involved in Celebrate Recovery Service together. Serves as a sounding board by providing objective point of view.
Holds you accountable for same area of recovery and issues. Discuss issues in detail too personal for meeting time. (Listens to 5th Step)
Call each other daily. Give recovery related assignments.
Encourage each others’ program. Requires meeting attendance.
Help motivate each other. Requires check-in calls.
Are at the same place (steps, sobriety time) in their recoveries. Has at least 1 year continuous sobriety and has completed the 12 Steps.
Includes at least 3 or 4 people. Same area of recovery and gender.
Pray for each other. Shares experience strength and hope.**
Attends BBQ together and Solid Rock Cafe. Will confront denial and procrastination.

**Sadly, the Celebrate Recovery material doesn’t say that the sponsor will pray for the Sponsoree (<-Is that a word?).
One thing I do like about the CR material is that it says, “A sponsor is like having a personal weight/exercise trainer. An Accountability Partner is someone you go with to the gym.”

Filed Under: My Pornography Addiction Tagged With: , ,
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